Because there's nothing better for you to do at work today (besides play online poker), now seems like the perfect time to discuss how historical figures might fare in a WSOP tournament style. To get a little more specific, how the historical figures Bill & Ted collect in the movie Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure would fare in a poker tournament.
For those of you unfamiliar with Bill & Ted (how dare you), they are a couple of slackers who travel through time in a phone booth to assemble a dream team of historical figures to aid them in their final oral presentation for their history class. Along the way, they encounter some of the most important historical figures of all time and then unleash them into the unsuspecting city of San Dimas where they cause general havoc among the present-day citizens.
Why Bill & Ted, you may ask. Well, positing how historical figures would fare playing poker seemed like an awesome idea and the majority of people who seemed really cool to pit against each other were already acquainted through the Bill & Ted universe, hence the idea to put them all at a Texas Hold 'Em table and see what happened once the cards flew.
For the sake of creating odds, some criteria we applied to the players, mainly that even though poker wasn't played in a modern-day style until the early 1800's in the U.S., that all the players would have a working knowledge of the game and some of the strategy involved. To be fair, the exact origins of the game are largely unknown with theories of its creation possibly traced to China c. 900 A.D. and to the French game "Poque" in the 15th century. Point is, all these competitors, for the sake of the poker tournament, would know how to play seven card Texas Hold 'Em.
What Historical Figure Would You Bet On In A Poker Game?,
Abraham Lincoln
Notable as: one of the finest American Presidents of all time
Potential Pros:
- He was a great decision maker who wasn't afraid to take a chance on something he believed in
- Able to quickly and efficiently weigh the pros and cons of a hand (knows when to hold 'em, knows when to fold 'em)
- Had a commanding presence and a piercing stare that would greatly enhance his ability to bluff if not for the fact that...
Potential Cons:
- He was known as HONEST Abe. How can a guy known as Honest Abe possibly bluff? Or maybe that's just what he wants you to think...
Odds: 8-1
Genghis Khan
Notable as: emperor of the Mongol empire
Potential Pros:
- Guy is fearless. He'll call somebody's bluff just to make sure nobody makes him look bad
- Does anyone want to cross a man who commanded a horde as they conquered Asia?
Potential Cons:
- He's a hothead; might make ridiculous bets when bluffing
- Might not be able to go the length of the tournament without breaking for food and women
- Would he have any semblance of a poker face or just throw his club up when he's dealt good cards?
Odds: 50-1
Joan of Arc
Notable As: French revolutionary commander who saw visions from God
Potential Pros:
- If she really is down with G-O-D, maybe he can whisper things about the other players' cards in her ear
- Spent a lot of time with the men in the French army and may have acquired some card playing skills in that time
- Does anybody really expect to lose to a girl?
Potential Cons:
- Only one woman has ever won a WSOP Main Event and that was at the inaugural WSOP Europe event (HOWEVER, the winner, Annette Obrestad, was just a day shy of her 19th birthday, so maybe that's a good age to win this sort of thing)
- While the peasant turned military commander DID lead the French army to several victories, she was convicted of insubordination and burned at the stake at 19, so maybe the decision making skills aren't all there
Odds: 20-1
Ludwig van Beethoven
Notable as: piano virtuoso
Potential Pros:
- Went deaf at the end of his life, so won't need any pesky headphones to drown out the rest of the competitors
- Germans have historically been known to be pretty ruthless, so he might just get crazy on the competition
Potential Cons:
- Was pretty obsessed with playing and composing, so might knock out early to carry on with that
- Can you honestly even fathom this guy being interested in poker?
Odds: 60-1
Napoleon
Notable as: legendary French army commander
Potential Pros:
- Had a lot of time on Elba and Saint Helena to play card games since his wife and kid remained on the mainland
- Guy wins at all costs. He's considered one of the greatest strategists of all time – military or otherwise – and routinely commanded his outnumbered troops to victory
- Makes it a point to find a way out of sticky situations (like being exiled to an island) to rise triumphant
Potential Cons:
- He's a hothead who likes to get his way. If he lost a clutch hand or two, he might dig his own grave
- Is he tall enough to see over the top of the table?
Odds: 4-1
Sigmund Freud
Notable as: the father of modern psychiatry
Potential Pros:
- Can effortlessly read everyone at the table and will know when people are bluffing
- A man of science, he'll likely play the odds successfully
- Probably bluffs like a champ
Potential Cons:
- Seems like he'd engage in a lot of table talk. Rude?
- Do snooty, intellectual types really take time away from books and acts of derision to play a lot of poker?
- Might be conservative with betting and miss out on big pot opportunities
Odds: 2-1
Socrates
Notable as: one of the founders of Western philosophy
Potential Pros:
- He's a thinker, which means he's not going to make any rash decisions when it comes to his cards
- Pioneered the concepts of irony and the scope of knowledge. So not only can he bluff well by throwing some shade at the other players, he knows that there's only so much he can know about what he and the other players know (about cards, at least)
Potential Cons:
- Thinking too much can hurt your chances of bluffing and tell your opponents a lot about your cards. It can also lead to folding or pushing in when the time's not right
Odds: 40-1
Death
Notable as: the last man you'll ever tango with (he's the Grim Reaper)
Potential Pros:
- IF YOU BEAT HIM HE CAN KILL YOU
Potential Cons:
- He is apparently an awful game player when it comes to anything but chess. He loses to Bill & Ted at Battleship, Clue, Electronic Football, and Twister before finally conceding defeat
Odds: 30-1
(note: yes, Death is not technically a historical figure, but come on, he's more interesting to have in the mix than the Princesses)
Billy the Kid
Notable As: Gun slinger, outlaw, general bad ass
Potential Pros:
- Dude is from the Old West where poker was THE thing. Literally, poker the way it's played in its modern form was invented on the river boats of Louisiana and the bars of Old West towns like Deadwood and Tombstone
- He killed his first man when he was 15, so the other players might want to avoid being on his bad side by winning
- Probably excellent at cheating
Potential Cons:
- Professional killers can be hotheaded; might push in at the wrong time
- The literacy and education rate at the time was low, so he may not have full command of the odds
Odds: 5-2